Tiemart's 2016 Apocalypse Warranty
Remember when, according the Mayan calendar, that the world was going to end on December 21, 2012 and then it didn't? Well, that got us thinking here at Tiemart. What if the world does end? And what if it ends in 2016?! How would it end? Alien invasion, zombie attack, galactic alignment negating all that has ever existed?
The more we got to thinking about an end of times scenario, the more we wondered: Is anyone going to buy ties this year if the world is coming to an end anyway*? That's when we decided that Tiemart must have a
2016 APOCALYPTIC MONEY-BACK-GUARANTEE.
That’s right, if the world comes to an end in 2016, your ties are free**! And all you need to do to take advantage of this amazing offer is survive an apocalypse. Easy, right? Here’s how it works:
- Purchase neckties from www.tiemart.com any time between now and December 31, 2016.
- Plan appropriately for the coming tribulations.
Follow those two simple steps, and when you emerge from your fallout-proof bunker to begin the hopeless task of rebuilding the human race out of the straggling survivors staggering blindly in the seemingly unending wasteland that used to be Earth, you will be refunded the full price of your ties (less shipping and applicable tax).
Simply visit us after the apocalypse and we will cheerfully pop our heads up out of our lead-lined compound miles beneath Tiemart World HQ at 525 Morris Avenue Mundelein, Illinois 60060 U.S.A., Planet Earth, Earth-Moon System, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, Local Group, Virgo Supercluster, Laniakea Galactic Supercluster, Observable Universe and refund all the money you have spent on ties from us!
Now, you’re probably thinking, “This deal is a total rip-off! We all know that money will be worthless after the apocalypse!!” Never fear, we’ve got you covered. We will give you the option to take your refund in things we know will be valuable after the end has come, such as non-perishable canned food, crossbows and potassium iodide pills!
So get out there and buy ties like the end is nigh!
Just for fun, here are just a few of the post-apocalyptic scenarios you may find yourself faced with in 2016:
Gamma Ray Zombies
Sentient Social Media
*We have no knowledge that the world is coming to an end in 2016. These scenarios are hypothetical only and are meant to be read with a sense of humor.
**Conditions: Offer open only to survivors of the 2016 apocalypse. “Apocalypse” is defined as an event after which the living, non-mutated-and-non-zombified population of the Earth is less than 0.000001% of the population on December 31, 2015. Offer is void if no Tiemart employees survivided the end of times, or if any were mutated, zombified or abducted by aliens.