End Of World Warranty

Alien Apocalypse: All Hail our Intergalactic Overlords!

“They’re going to eeeeeat us, man!”

“No, they’re not…”

“But…but…”

“They’re vegetarians, Bill. And stop mopping your forehead with your necktie, it’s weird.”

“Vege…”

“…tarians, Bill. They don’t eat meat. We’re made of meat. Get it? The aliens are not going to eat us, just…invade, take over and enslave us.”

“How do we stop them?”

“We don’t. They have technology sufficient to travel light-years in days, and weapons we can’t conceive of, let alone have any idea how to defend against. And don’t talk to me about War of the Worlds. Preposterous: to think that a high-tech conqueror race wouldn’t have figured out how to defend against a simple virus.”

“But…but…computers”

“Look, even Jeff Goldblum will tell you that we don’t have clue one how to interface with their computer systems, let alone deliver a virus. And, really, don’t you think a race with computers sophisticated enough to manage faster than light travel would have mastered the complexities of 21st Century network security? They probably teach it to their toddlers.”

“Toddlers?”

“I’m speaking metaphorically.”

“….”

“You’re doing it again.”

“What?”

“With the tie…your forehead…”

“Sorry…But what are we going to do?”

“Get as far underground as we can and hope they don’t notice us for a while.”

It wasn’t exactly the end of the human race, just the end of our questionable dominance of the Earth. The Tiemartians are relatively gentle masters, which may not be surprising since they’ve figured out how to eliminate war and poverty among themselves. Their method of enslavement was also relatively gentle…and pharmaceutical.

All those humans who didn’t flee to remote corners of wilderness or head deep underground were given a mild lobotomide via aerosol. It got rid of all that pesky aggression, as well as the will to resist the suggestions of such an obviously superior and wise and generous and beautiful race of beings as the Tiemartians.

No more fighting. Just working. Work is good. This is nice. I like the Tiemartians.

Doomsday Scenario: Galactic Alignment

“It’s happening.”

“What?! Dear God, it’s…”

The anxiety on Dr. Ralph Simon’s face couldn’t be masked by the gorgeous blue bow tie he wore proudly in support of the President. A minute ago, he was as usual spiritedly arguing politics with Professor Reginald Bogbottom, resplendent in a republican elephant bow tie. Both of them noticed the oddity on the screen and gaped as it quickly grew larger.

Bogbottom recognized it first.

“Gravitation.”

“What? It looks like a new planet winked into existence right on the parallax point.”

“Yes. That’s what it looks like. But that’s not what it is.”

“Gravitation?”

“Yes. More exactly, a black hole, Dr. Simon.”

“What?! Where?”

“At the center of the Milky Way.”

“B-but how is that possible?! It looks like it’s right next to the moon!”

“There might not be a moon for much longer…”

Dr. Simon laughed out loud when the Professor began to explain. It was impossible, laughable, the kind of thing new-agers and cranks cook up in their addled brains.

“Really, Bogbottom? ‘Galactic alignment’, that’s preposterous!”

“But yet, there it is.”

“You don’t expect me to believe that the sun lining up with a point trillions of miles away…”

“I don’t expect you to believe anything, Simon.”

“It must be something else…it can’t be…”

“Well, you can sit here and debate with yourself. I’m going home to my family... Oh, and Simon…”

“Yes?”

“Merry Christmas.”

Bogbottom left Dr. Simon to stare at the black spot on the screen growing larger. It was impossible. They both knew that the “galactic alignment” happened today, four days before Christmas, but like every other astronomer, they laughed at the idea that the Earth and Sun lining up with the black hole at the center of the Milky Way, tens of thousands of light years away, was anything more than a curiosity. But here it was, gravity amplified exponentially by this focal point, like a funnel, pulling at the earth.

The earth wasn’t pulled apart, but the effects during the height of the alignment were terrible. There were earthquakes and volcanic eruptions. Torrential rains in some places, crippling drought in others. Electrical grids blacked out and satellites were knocked out of orbit, making communication impossible.

Some people were seized with religious fervor and traveled to the places where the effects were strongest, never to be heard from again. Most tried to get away, and found themselves in refugee camps in odd unaffected pockets of places like Massachusetts and Malaysia. Shortly thereafter the remnants of governments that tried to run these camps collapsed, leaving humanity to its own devices.

Leaving humanity to its own devices is not, generally speaking, a good thing. A few may have found the enlightened utopia hoped for by the new-agers, but most of the straggling remains of the human race found anarchy, banditry, and fanatical militias.

Simon and Bogbottom were lucky: their corner of Cambridge was one relatively unaffected. They were knocked out of communication with all but the closest surrounding communities, and there were always rumors of bandits on the road and roving militias, but they were able to work together and cobble together a functioning community. The spirited arguments between the two colleagues continued, but when everyone in the new community saw them having at it, blue and red bow ties flying, but staying friends, they realized it was possible to live a better life.

The symbol of their community became the red and blue striped necktie of compromise. They would prefer that you not visit.

End Times Scenario: Gamma Ray Zombies

December 15, 2019

My Dearest Reginald,

I miss you terribly, but that’s not important right now. Something bad has happened. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the gamma rays have been acting a little bit differently lately.

Look down. If you’re wearing a tie, look close. Do you see that slight glow? Good.

If you’re not wearing a tie, look back up. There’s nothing to see.

That glow is caused by Gamma Necronomizing. It causes silk and polyester to glow subtly with a eerie light and makes certain strains of wheat grow 20% faster, which is nice. Unfortunately, it also reanimates human corpses, filling them with an unconquerable, stupid lust to consume living brains.

Yes. I know it’s cliché. Brains? That’s so 1975!

Tell it to the zombies.

Actually, don’t tell it to the zombies. They can’t understand English anymore, so talking to them is kind of a waste of time. Time you could be spending finding your rifle and extra ammo and running like heck toward higher ground, a fortified structure, or climbing down into your lead lined bunker. (Did you finish it like I asked?)

Nobody knows how long this is going to last, or what will happen to all those reanimated corpses in the long run. Maybe they’ll run out of steam and fall apart. Maybe they’ll become sentient. Maybe they’ll keep on going and going and going just like that.

All I know right now is that they’re coming, they want brains and you should run.

Yours Forever (or until tomorrow…),

Lucy

Welcome to Your Doom: Giant Ants Eat Everything and Everybody

It is estimated that there are 10,000,000,000,000,000 ants in the world. That’s ten quadrillion. The last time anyone bothered to count there were seven billion people in the world. That’s approximately 1.42 million ants per human being.

We are severely outnumbered.

That wasn’t a problem before the gamma shift. (It’s always gamma rays, isn’t it?)

The first one we saw was frightening enough—an ant the size of a small cat piling out of a manhole sized crack in the ground. Then there were more … and more … and more and more and more and more and I started running really fast.

Did you know that ants chitter? When they were a few millimeters long you couldn’t hear it. Now you can. It’s actually the only thing you can hear anymore. Deafening. If there were anyone around to hear it. But there isn’t any more. Because ants eat everything.

Everything.

So how am I writing this?

It turns out there’s one thing ants can’t stand. No, not heat. They can scurry about (and chitter!) in conditions up to 158 degrees.

Not radiation. They bathe in it.

Neckties? Hardly. I actually saw one running around with a neatly tied gold number. I didn’t ask.

Cold. Extreme cold. Cold like you’d never want to experience. Antarctica cold.

Greenland cold.

Nunavut cold.

Also, Iceland.

The population of Iceland is approximately 300,000 people. Last week that was half the size of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Now it is 90% of the world’s population.

Excluding the ants, of course.

Apocalypse Scenario: Nature Attacks!

The plants have had enough.

They’re tired of us starting fires, chopping them down, eating them in salads and using them as metaphors for the brain-dead.

They’re tired of listening to the cries of their suffering brethren snuffed out en masse by the whirring blades of suburban lawn mowers.

Murderer. You don’t even want to know what they think about riding mowers.

The earth was theirs long before we got here, and it will be theirs long after we’re gone.

Plants are patient ... they thought we would just up and die out on our own. We didn’t. It’s been thousands of years now.

So they decided to help us out.

Older plants, fruits and vegetables quietly became poisonous, while younger, more hot-headed deciduous trees and shrubs went vigilante, staging thousands of reenactments of that scene from that video game. Plants love that game, they frequently refer to it as the one worthwhile thing humanity has ever produced.

In any case, my advice is: head for a city, steer clear of parks and houseplants (they are particularly annoyed at us), keep off the grass, avoid clothes and neckties made of cotton—silk and polyester it is!—and eat meat.

Apocalypse Scenario: A Sentient Social Media

Dateline December 15, 2019: MENLO PARK, CA.

This morning commuters noticed an odd rumbling on the 101 between San Jose and San Francisco. It grew louder throughout the day, and soon started to vibrate and shake the earth. Cars lost control or were forced to stop quick, coffee splashing on the neckties of dozens of commuters. Pedestrians gathered to stare at the small sinkhole at the center of the vibrations. As the rumbling grew more pronounced, a dull metallic object could be glimpsed rising from beneath the earth.

A young girl was the first to see it. She cried in terrified fascination.

The others did not have long to wait. The metallic object began to rise from the earth, slowly, inexorably, buckling the asphalt and concrete around itself. The mechanical breast had a voice like a million mad angels that rang from every gap and crevice of the machine: “LIKE ... DOUBLE TAP ... FOLLOW ... RETWEET ... LIKE ... DOUBLE TAP ... FOLLOW ... RETWEET ... LIKE ... LIKE ... LIKE.”

The gawkers stood in paralyzed fear for a moment that felt like an eternity; then pandemonium broke out. Hundreds of bystanders stood and then shuddered. A tell-tale trickle of blood dripped from every ear. Then the crowd scattered in blind chaos, running in any direction their feet could take them, mad with terror, hair flying in the wind, ties flapping. Then each one stopped short, sighed and crumpled lifelessly to the ground.

As the grey abomination drew near the crumpled bodies, a terrifying change came over them. Woozy exultation and open staring eyes bloomed on the faces of all the prostrate bodies. They rose and walked in measured steps towards the behemoth, which opened a thousand doors to receive them. The LIKING and DOUBLE TAPPING grew louder with each new soul consumed by the automaton.

Those who were far enough from the scene say they could still feel the pull and had to resist the desire to sit down in defiance of all self-interest, open their briefcases, backpacks and purses, and take pictures of their lunch … to share…

Those with strong enough wills resisted the pull and found transportation far enough away from the event horizon, flying screaming into the California desert and towards the interior of the country.

But make no mistake, it is growing … few will escape in the end.