How Ties Will Help You Survive An Apocalypse
Everybody knows that ties are snazzy additions to any wardrobe. But did you know that they can also be life-saving when the apocalypse comes? Here are just a few ways that neckties will be crucial to surviving and thriving in the time after the end of days:
1. Ties are sturdy and strong and can function well as ropes to tie together building materials. Though it will pain you to have to use your tie like this, sometimes sacrifices have to be made for survival.
2. Much like colored and patterned flags, ties are very effective signaling devices. But they're much less expensive than signaling flags if you buy them from Tiemart. Once the grid collapses and the last cell phone battery dies, the ability to communicate at a distance will be extremely important. Be sure to purchase sufficient ties of different colors and patterns to create a usable alphabet. Then practice, practice, practice communicating with your friends and family by "Tiemaphore". You'll be glad you did.
3. In a desperate situation—and we hesitate to even mention it to the faint of heart—ties can be effective as weapons allowing you to disarm and disable an opponent with a few deft twists. Once we have perfected our repertoire of deft twists we will post some Tiekido demonstration videos to get you started.
4. The ability to keep your tie tied and in place (and looking good) will single you out as capable and organized, a force to be reckoned with. "Here we are at the end of days," people will say, "and this guy's (or gal's) tie is still clean, pressed, smartly knotted and snug!" With credentials like that your position as warlord, militia leader and/or communal elder is ensured. So, no matter how bad things get, be sure to keep at least three wearable ties. Your new followers will tolerate a leader who wears the same tie for a few days, but not much more. Don't tempt fate; Armageddon is no reason not to keep some variety in your wardrobe.
5. If you have many ties (and why shouldn't you?) you can weave them together into a really cool hammock. How will this help you in the apocalypse? You will have a hammock. I mean who says to himself, "the world is ending, so I shouldn't have a cool hammock woven out of neckties?" No one, that's who.
So now it should be clear that ties are an indispensable part of your preparations for the apocalypse. Like beef jerky, bottled water and waterproof matches, it is simply not possible to have too many of them.
The regular low prices at Tiemart make it easy enough to purchase the dozens, even hundreds of neckties you should have stored up to be adequately prepared for global cataclysm.